Opening and Notes on 2 Months of Sobriety.

Soon, I will begin a residency in Northern Thailand.

I love this feeling of going somewhere completely unfamiliar. The reading and preparing. The knowledge that this is the before and that there will be an after, which is only ones guess but that feeling that it will be good. Completely.
There will be no phone. No internet. Other peoples music will not pound through the walls, shaking the floorboards, imposing their presence.
But there will be coconut milk and lemongrass. And silk.
I am at the opening of a whole new love affair and I am giddy with anticipation!

This comes at the close of a two month pact with myself to not consume a drop of alcohol. This pact was made for various reasons. But nothing too extreme or to be worried about. Just an experiment to see what it would be like to know that however I felt at any given time would not be connected to the consumption of a substance.

Hmmm. The results have surprised me.

You see, I have carried with me for years now, that I must had done something terribly wrong at some moment in time. For the life of me, I could not figure this out, what it was that I had done. My mind and heart has twisted and turned over this, skipped and sunk, the struggle to know never available to me.

But now, with all this clarity, I finally realize.

Nothing. I did absolutely nothing. I did not yell at anyone, or call anyone names.
I did not threaten anyone or make grand gestures of oppression. I was not mean, cunning or loathsome. I didn't steal, jab, or break. There were no lies, neither large nor small, no underhanded motives or envious plots. I did nothing. Period.

Now don't get me wrong, I am not perfect. Far from it.

I trust too readily. I am openly vulnerable. I ask questions that will sometimes be uncomfortable and difficult to answer. I have strong opinions and voice them. I am terrible at failing. I love hard. Maybe too hard at times.
Sharing my home, food and quiet confidences comes natural to me, not something I ever thought I'd have to defend.

So. There it is.
I didn't do anything wrong.
I am free.

small epiphany.

thank you morrissey....